forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize