Who did Billy Mays play for?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
