tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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