ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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