The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
