Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
