Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
