the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
