I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
