Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
