woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
