I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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