matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
