Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
