1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
tell me about the eggs
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