He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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