I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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