i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
