if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
