Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Someone signed my nipple.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
