wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
