Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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