last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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