Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
If I die, sorry about rent.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
