my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My dick has a subreddit
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
