You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
