i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Randomize
