Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
