I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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