fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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