a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
