I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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