If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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