1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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