I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
