I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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