Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
