If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
