I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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