he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
