well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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