I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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