Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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