i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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