He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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