i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
