if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
