i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
