i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
