No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
