you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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