I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I am available for nakedness
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
