if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
