I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
