you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
